Breach...

Hi again... This is not good! The fact that I'm writing again is definitely good, but, I'm writing to you at this hour! Darn! You do know that I'm a nocturnal, and, i fought hard to change my habit right? I think today is the day where i failed terribly... It's not that I'm giving up or anything, so please, don't get me wrong here... I'm aware that this is not something that can be done over night, and, i need constant practice in order to succeed, but, i think i reach the part where it's too far from easy... I promised that we shall have a date at our magical kingdom latest by three, but, here i am still wide awake at 4am in the morning... What's bothering me? I'm not at ease... I'm drifting apart and let the devilish cloud blur my vision... I don't know what to do... I don't know who should i turn to... I don't want to be a millstone around the neck of anyone that i care so much about... I know that i should struggle together, but, never without, and yet, I'm still being me, whom stuck in between a process of digesting the concept... Poor you... Haven't you gotten enough of all the negativity? I believe you are... So, what else are you waiting for? There are at some point in life where you feel like you need to prepare your fighting claw, and, be in standby mode before you attack... Hold still... Ambush in silence... It's the key to victory... Never lose faith, and, with His blessings, the victory is yours to keep...

Anhedonia...

What if... I thought i enjoy writing, but on the actual fact, it's just an ephemeral... 

What if... All this while, my smile is not sincere, but just a simper...

What if... My loquacity is unremitting and become annoying...

What if... This anhedonia of mine is killing my soul slowly...

Oh dear... I'm just going to deluding myself if i think things will get better... I thought I'm much better already but why am i having this conversation with you again? I'm blessed with people around me who love me dearly and unconditionally, and yet, here i am sharing unnecessary story... What is wrong with me? Sigh... I shouldn't whine about this... Honestly, something is bothering me from the inside... It fought hard until i scarcely breathe... I'm still searching for the answer but it's too vague to understand... As much as i want to believe in glimmer of hope, I'm actually starting to doubt it... I know i shouldn't... Hmmm... I don't want to look back and dwell on my previous achievement because life is all about moving forward... This is oppressive... I should sleep it off as i have early morning in about few hours from now... Don't want to play the "what if" game anymore... At least not for now...